While I Carried You

Dear Ayden,

I've been thinking about getting the new blog started for your sister, Elysia. I was gonna start it by telling her some things while I'm still pregnant with her and then I wish that I had done the same with you! So I'm gonna tell you a little bit about how I felt while I carried you :)

Ayden, I had waited so long to finally carry my own child inside of me instead of looking on and talking to others about their pregnancies. When I was younger, I just dreamed about what it would be like. I knew that it would be hard, I'd be tired and I'd probably have plenty of the nausea and what-have-you but, I could not have known how amazingly special it would be! I couldn't have known what it would feel like to have an angel kick against my tummy, saying hi and wiggling around, just waiting to be brought into the world by me :) What an honor, what a gift, what a blessing.

When I first became pregnant, I wasn't sick right off the bat. We had our first doctor's appointment around my 7th week of pregnancy and I guess I thought I was further along and had maybe gotten away with not having any of the nausea..well, I was not quite so lucky! haha I definitely was sick. I threw up a lot and especially while I was working the early morning shift (5:00am) at the Aquatic Center, I had a really rough time of it! Finally, my boss had me switched to the shift later in the day and that helped a little bit because I wasn't struggling through the mornings trying to make myself hold food down that early and rush to get to work. The sickness was hard and I could not wait for it to be over! Finally, pretty much right when I hit the 2nd trimester, I was blessedly released from nausea prison haha and I felt very normal again. Towards the end there was discomfort and pain because I got so big and my uterus is so small. Oh, my uterus is heart-shaped so, you got stuck inside the right half of it once you got bigger. That was very uncomfortable, as you might imagine, having a 6 pound baby smooshed into one side of your stomach! Most women have their whole stomach and still say it's rough being so crammed inside there so, yeah, it was tough! But, it was ok :) Every time I would contract, the right side would be elevated way above the left and my stomach was soft-ish on the left side and hard as rock on the right side haha it was interesting to be unique in that way.

I started showing pretty early, around like 3 months. Not very big at first but around the end of my pregnancy (like from 6 months on) I started to get very big! I felt huge! I had plenty of people tell me that I wasn't very big at all, but when it's you going through it, you always feel huge! Well, at least, that's how it was for me. I could tell I wasn't as big as many other women that were pregnant, but for me, I was bigger than I ever thought I could be! I didn't mind though :) I liked having that big bump there for the whole world to see that I was carrying my precious little one and she was growing and that she was safe and sound!

You loved to move and you were always getting the hiccups :) 3-4 times a day you would get them! Bump, bump, bump, bump, for a couple minutes I'd feel them, the tiniest little bumps :) I really loved apples when I was pregnant with you and craved dirt and ice towards the end! I loved the smell of the basement at daddy's work, I would go through there any chance I got so I could smell it haha

I thought about you constantly. I always had my hands on my tummy, partially to keep you from digging into my ribs haha but, mostly because I liked to feel close to you :) I loved that. The feeling of you being right next to my heart, curled up safe and sound. I loved being able to provide you with everything you needed! I was your home, your food, your safety. I was your everything, and you were mine. :)

Sweetheart, carrying you was the most amazing experience I had ever had! I don't miss the sickness, but I do miss some of the things about being pregnant with you. Feeling your little bumps and wiggles, being kept up at night by your dancing around in my tummy. :) Any discomfort I had while going through those 9 months was swept away when I finally got to hold you in my arms. I could remember that all the pain had happened, but it was like a distant dream that faded in comparison to the dream I had entered when you came into my life :) That's the dream I'm still loving and living. Thank you for being mine, little one.

I love you so much Ayden Elizabeth. a million times a bajillion-million ;)

Love, Mommy