Dear Ayden,
Last night during one of our feeding sessions, I randomly started pondering on some memories from the past, some memories that I'm not so proud of. When I was a teenager, I was not always the type of person I respected. I could be a real brat sometimes and my parents and my younger brother, your uncle Austin, got the brunt of it all. As I relived a few of these memories, I was filled with regret, the kind of regret I hope you never have to live with. So I wanted to take a moment and stress how important it is to never take your family for granted.
There is nothing I can do to take back those moments of unjustifiable rudeness-those days I made my mother cry, the moments I could see the hurt in Austin's eyes when I said a few unkind words, and the points in time when I could tell my father was disappointed in me. Now, as everyone knows, my mom is the most kind and loving person around, it's always been obvious to me that she only wants to help and be close to me. But, unfortunately and for reasons I don't really understand even now, I wasn't always nice to her the way she deserved. I held back my love and there was a tension I created that made no sense. No matter what Austin was about to say, I would immediately tell him to be quiet, out of habit from our childhood days I suppose. Doesn't matter, it still hurt him and I regretted it every time. He just wanted my attention, a little of my time and I hardly ever gave it. My dad and I were never really close and I didn't make much effort to change that. I spent those few years being irritable around the house and nice outside of it..I would come home and a darkness would settle over me for no apparent reason. When asked what my problem was, there was no answer I could give, they had done nothing wrong and yet I was taking something out on them. But what? I'll never really know, I guess. I do know that I could feel the Satan's influence in my heart and I know now that he was trying to poison me against my family.
I say all of this, knowing I'm painting myself in a not so pleasant lighting, and hoping that it will help you learn from my mistakes so you will never go through it yourself. I hope that you never get to the point where you're nicer to your friends than you are to your family. Because your family, your father and I, we're the only ones that will stick it out for the long haul and be here for you always. Maybe that's the reason why it's so easy to take family for granted, they have to love you right? True, we are with you for eternity, but on what terms? Good or bad? I have seen many different kinds of families in my life, I've had friends that declare hatred of their parents or siblings. They hold onto bitter grudges, they push their family away, they don't care enough to even keep in touch. What a sad way to live. Without the ones that love you most.
I don't remember the exact moment when it all changed in my heart. I do remember a big part of it was leaving to Hawaii for college and also the preceding months of summer. I remember wanting to tell my mom all about it, getting closer to my dad through working with him at Rowland Hall, treating Austin kinder. I remember feeling lighter than I had in a long time, once I let them into my life. All felt right in the world, as long as my family had my back, and I knew they did. Fortunately for me, my family is very forgiving and loving and today, it's like none of it ever happened. But, I remember. I don't feel the guilt much anymore, that's what repenting and forgiveness gives us and I thank the Lord for that. But, I remember, so that I will never fall into that trap again, I will never take them for granted another day in my life. I also wonder what my life would have been like if my family hadn't forgiven me. I've seen families like that too, those who hold on to the past a little too tightly and voids deepen and deepen in their lives until it's so deep and dark that the people they blocked out are no longer there. I am so thankful I have a family that understands and practices forgiveness.
We all make mistakes. We all have regrets. I am so thankful that I realized the error of my ways and changed them. Believe me, I have made up for the lost time! Now the days I spent in my room, locked away from my family, are just a distant memory. I've never been closer to my parents or my siblings! I used to hardly talk to my mom and now we gab like old ladies and I know she knows I love and adore her! I used to be distant with my dad and we're now good friends who express love and gratitude for each other! I used to shut Austin down and add to his low self-esteem and now I am constantly making efforts to lift him up and let him know I love him!
Friends come and go, but family will always be there. That's what it's all about. Love. I know brothers and sisters can just drive you crazy and I'm sure there will be times where you might resent your father and me for decisions we make on your behalf, but we will always love you! I hope by reading this you'll understand the message I'm trying to send. I hope you won't go through this same thing in your life. Because I will always regret my actions, the pain I caused, the love I held back. Time keeps on ticking no matter how much you want to turn it back, so make the most of it! Invest time into the relationships that will mean the most to you later in life, the relationship you have with your family! As a kid, friends are important and, seemingly, they're all that's important sometimes. But, take it from me, you will never regret putting time and effort into a close relationship with your family! All of my best friends in this world are my brothers, my sisters, my parents, my husband and my kids! Once I got out of college, it felt like I had lost all my friends, until I realized I still had the only friends that really mattered in the big picture-My Family :) They're the only ones I make a constant effort to spend time with and I don't, nor will I ever, regret that! My best memories are with them and all of my favorite memories from the future are with them too :)
So, my dear sweet Ayden, please don't take your family for granted. It's so important, especially in these days, to hold them close! We love you and always will. We'll never do anything to hurt you, our home will always be a safe place for you to leave the world and its cares at the door! I want nothing but happiness for you and I will always try to give it to you!
I love you, my angel--Always and Forever.
Love, Mom
